Thoughts that Pop into my Head

Looking for a car sucks. Actually I take that back - looking for a car when you have no money to put toward it sucks. I am trying to keep my mind open, trying not to say 'no' to any particular type of car. That is -- except for Nissan Altimas and PT Cruisers. I would rather die than own either of those cars. Anyway, I am trying to get it into my head that I can only afford the boring cars -- Honda Civic, Toyota Camry/Corolla, Chevy Cobalt, blah blah blah. And I was starting to get excited at the prospect of one of these. And then I have to go to CarMax and semi-fall in love with a Pontiac G6. A PONTIAC! The freaking car company that is no longer in business. But it is a sleek black exterior, a decent sound system, and then the real selling point - it is a hard top convertible. I have been dreaming of getting back my convertible status since I had to give back my Wrangler to my dad to plow our now non existent driveway. My Passat has a sunroof, but it isn't the same as having the wind whip through your hair, watch everyone stare at you in envy, while you blast your obnoxious music and blow past them WITHOUT A ROOF ON YOUR CAR. Sigh. And on top of that it is in [the top of] my price range.

Now all that's left is to sell this sonabitch. Anyone in need of a reliable grandpa VW Passat?

I remember seeing that billboard ad "It's like I'm a fish with no water" - the asthma ad. That was a fantastic way to put how it feels for us. For me - especially lately, my home has felt like a prison. I am overdosing on my asthma medicine. I know that I am probably becoming dependent on it and only making it worse by constantly turning back to it. I crave the rapid heartbeat that it gives me and then the rush of fresh air that fills the near empty void of my lungs. I keep myself awake by wheezing, the heavy breathing and whistling that is not only cumbersome but irritating. And the worst part is that I know the cause: JoJo.

But getting rid of the problem, my wonderful Frenchie, is not an option at this point. I would be just as miserable knowing I had to give away one of my family as I currently am with my labored breathing. Maybe I will save up and try to hire a cleaner who can keep our house more dust, dog hair, and allergen free and keep my body happier. Cleaning myself is not really an option - I mean pressing the on button on our Roomba is difficult enough -- no way am I pushing some annoying machine around. And even though I DID clean our room this weekend - let the Roomba clean the shit out of our carpet and cleaned out our air purifier, I am still waking up several times a night only to be consoled by ProVentil. I am still waking up taking huge breaths that go nowhere, my shoulders moving dramatically up and down as I desperately try to grab as much air as I can. No difference.

The scary part is that I feel like the medicine is not working as well as it used to. I do my inhaler at 3 am only to wake up at 6 wheezing again. I do my inhaler again at 6 only to have problems again while getting ready for work at 7:30. Then I leave the house and I am fine. It's this house, this airless prison.

Sigh

Up until yesterday I had not spoken to my dad since the near-mandatory 50th birthday phone call in September. We each exchanged a bitter e-mail when he found out I had visited NJ without even telling him. I get that would make him upset, but the thought of seeing him was unbearable. In fact, had I not been assured he would be on vacation during my visit, I would not have even gone. But that was I suppose an official declaration of war to him. I don't even think he realized we were not on speaking terms before that. So he called me yesterday to inform me that after 5-6 years, he and my mom were officially divorced. He didn't think it would be fair to not tell me. I guess he learned his lesson from when our relationship initially cracked. 

Flashback: We used to be partners in crime, keeping secrets from my mother, spending time just the two of us. I noticed he had been sleeping on the couch and approached him, Are you and mom separating again? He assured me that they weren't. Later that day we were gathered for a "family meeting." We had only had a family meeting once before, the annoucement that my parents were separating when I was in 7th grade. This meeting had the exact same agenda. My dad betrayed me, lied to my face, told me everything was fine. My trust in him died instantly.

So my dad called me. I swear he only calls when he knows I will be unavailable. 9:05 am, minutes after I get into the office, for example. This particular call was at 4:30. Has he never heard of the "9 to 5" job? Mine is even longer...get with the program. Anyway, he called me and I called him back later that evening. We spoke only of superficial things - how is Matt, how is the dog, how is the house, how is work. I told him a month late that I had been promoted. Better late than never?

I surprised myself and held it together until after we hung up. I was shocked that I didn't feel the anger surging as I had every time my dad was even mentioned. I felt...relief. A huge weight lifted off my shoulders. The "not talking" period officially over. And it wasn't until just now, a day later, that I really thought about it. I do my thinking after I take my shower, sitting down in the tub and letting the extra hot water rain on me. Is that weird? Anyway I realized that as much as I denied denied denied that I didn't need him, that the person he is now is not my dad, that I wanted nothing to do with this person, I was wrong. I need to have my dad in my life. And the second thing that sprang into my mind was, how is my mom going to react? I have hated him for years now, and I feel like my mom and I have grown closer because of it. Not because she hates him too - I actually think she feels bad that my father's and my previously super close relationship shattered - but she was the only person I could talk to who knew him. I kind of feel like I am betraying my mom if I form a new relationship with him. I had been so clearly Team Mom for so long, can I even consider going back into Neutral territory?

I am sure that more people than not have similar feelings to me when I say that I feel like everyone around me has more money than I do. I don't really buy expensive clothes - other than my splurge on a new pair of designer jeans about once a year. We don't really travel very often, and when we do we typically have been staying with family to save money instead of staying at hotels. I suppose that the one thing that we spend money on is that we eat out very frequently. However, the places that we go to eat are not typically expensive, and if we do go to a nicer restaurant we usually have a Groupon or a Scout Mob to help with the cost of dinner. So why do I feel like everyone else has more means to travel, more means to buy new clothes, etc? 

I suppose part of the reasons that I am feeling this way are because we just bought a house six months ago and the rent now is much more expensive than when we were sharing a tiny studio apartment. Also because we moved from a studio to a three bedroom house, we have had to spend a lot of money on furniture and art. Another thing is that my parents were never transparent about how much our family vacations would cost. Because we used to vacation once or twice a year for a week, I suppose I never figured that it was so expensive when you consider the flights, the hotels, and all of the food/alcohol that is purchased. Now that I am an adult, it is shocking to me how much money you can blow by leaving home for just a few days, let alone an entire week. I am sure that another reason is because I am just at the starting line for my career. I have only had my first job a little longer than one year, and while I make a decent salary, it is certainly more on the starting salary side. Because we can afford our mortgage and expenses on the salary that we are both making now, I am sure that as time goes by that saving money for our dream vacations to Paris and Australia won't be as stressful. But damnit, I don't want to wait!

It's a strange thing. I never thought that New Jersey was anything special when I was growing up in it. I grew up in a pretty humdrum suburban neighborhood. My classmates played football, soccer, and basketball like most other places I presume. I would go to the movies or friends' houses on the weekends, also like most other kids in most other places. It was not until I LEFT my home state that I started to see that it's a different way of life there than other places. I am not going to lie - it is pretty damn cool to be within an hour to both THE CITY (aka New York City) and THE SHORE as we have always called it. I still find myself referring to NYC as 'the city' when it comes up in conversations, although it is now clear that Atlanta is my city. When I lived in Jersey, all I wanted to do was get out. I wouldn't even consider applying to any school in New Jersey -- not even Princeton. Now I find myself defending my state more than I would have ever imagined. It's gotten a whole lot of hype in the past year or so - Jersey Shore, Jerseylicious, Big Brother even has a cast member who is a typical Joisey Italian boy. I suck up all of those shows without shame.

I don't really know where I'm going with this blog today. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm glad that I was raised a Jersey girl, even though I live somewhere else now.

I think it's funny how the smallest things can trigger the most random memories. I was driving my sleeping puppy and boyfriend to his parents' house in Alabama for the holidays when American Pie came on the XM. Two very strong memories flooded into my head. The first one was memories of summer camp. Every day when it was time for lunch, the song would blare over all of the camp's speaker systems. The owners must have loved the song and also decided it gave each camper ample time to stop whatever it was they were doing and head over to the dining halls for lunch. If it took you longer than those 8 minutes, you were in trouble. The second memory was of my idiotic tenth grade English teacher. She challenged us to 'get personal' with our research paper topics and find something that would truly interest and inspire us. Being a huge fan of the song at the time, I requested doing my paper analyzing the song and all of the meanings behind the lyrics (which I had memorized long ago). "I asked you to get personal," I remember her saying. "Writing about a song has nothing to do with you. Find another topic." I laughed to myself on the car ride yesterday as I remembered what my topic ended up being - I read FICTIONAL books about characters dealing with weight issues and then analyzed based on my feelings when reading those books whether I also had issues with weight and eating. Conclusion: I was a high school female. Yes, I had issues with my weight. I'm glad it took a research paper for me to figure out something just about anyone could tell me in two minutes. So I have never learned what the lyrics to the song meant. I still love singing them though. 

Tonight, with the exception of the turtles and lizards, I am truly home alone. I dropped off JoJo this morning at Nancy's house to watch him while we are on vacation in Milwaukee, so the house was completely empty when I arrived home after work. I hate it when Matthew works late, but I especially hate it now that I don't even have my sweet puppy to keep me company. It's weird, too quiet (I am blaring the TV, running the dishwasher and the dryer to make up for the lack of noise), and a little scary. I have always had the bad habit of letting my imagination run away with me - and not always in a good way. Let's just say I don't read scary books for a reason. My least favorite part of tonight was having to take a shower. The second I step in, I immediately think to myself, Oh crap! Did I lock the door? Of course I did---I specifically remember locking AND dead-bolting it. But what if I am remembering a different day and not tonight? Any potential of my shower being relaxing was, needless to say, ruined. I had to check out every corner of the house afterward too. It turns out that I had remembered to lock the door, but I still kept imaging some creep lurking around in my house. Also a figment. Oh well.

On a different note, I cannot stand assholes to take advantage of merging lanes to cut ahead of traffic. I have to deal with it once on my commute to work and two times on my commute home. I am a little more patient in the morning, but when those assholes start flying down the ending lane on the entrance to I-285 and when they do it at Freedom Parkway, I get so angry. I jut my car out to 'cover' both lanes and prevent the jerks from getting ahead. Today though, I was in between an SUV and a truck when this car was flying too fast for me to take preventative action. I slammed on my horn and jutted my car out, in case anyone else in line got the same idea. The Mack truck behind me started closing up the space that I had previously been taking up! What the hell was his problem -- I was trying to do a good thing for traffic and he was just being a selfish prick. I would think of all drivers - truck drivers, who I assume are on the road more than anyone - would be appreciative of my stand against asshole drivers. I guess he was just one of them. So I used my advantage - acceleration, passed him and flicked him off. I Win!

While I believe that a large majority of people love the ginormous warehouse sized stores - Home Depot, Lowe's, Walmart, etc. - I have a very different view. Yes, these stores offer the convenience of a 'one stop shop,' more options, and in many cases lower prices than smaller stores. Yes they have the advantage of economy of scale and are a more efficient machine. BUT I don't care who you are, there is no way you cannot enter one of these stores without becoming a wandering lingerer. You may enter Walmart just needing a new pair of headphones, but you are not leaving without browsing their frozen foods, their gardening section, and picking up a few birthday cards along the way. Especially if you happen to be my boyfriend. Home Depot is the greatest among these evils. I have to say that we go there at least twice per month together, and Matt will go a few times on his own on top of that. Growing up in New Jersey, I don't remember Home Depot being conveniently located, but here in Atlanta, Home Depot and Lowes have strategically placed themselves in shopping complexes amid pet stores, grocery stores, and other errand-running locales. It becomes impossible for a simple grocery shopping trip to occur without 'stopping by' PetSmart, carousing through the reptile aisles, waiting for the cricket person, and debating over what our dog does and does not need (Matt thinks he always needs a few new toys, I beg to differ). Then Home Depot is right next door! They don't even have air conditioning! By the time we get to the ACTUAL errand we need to run (getting food), I am screaming in my head GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!!!

I am very open to new experiences, but if there is one thing that I truly dislike, it's changing my hairstyle. Don't get me wrong -- I watch all of those makeover shows (especially What Not To Wear) and thoroughly agree with the hairstylist's style choice about 95% of the time. But those women on the show are not me. Every time that I feel adventurous on the morning of Haircut Day, I  can almost guarantee I leave the salon crying. My worst endeavor was definitely my freshman year of college. I had just went through a break up and wanted a change. Ashlee Simpson looked so good going from blonde to black, so much more mysterious an edgy, that I decided that because we had the same name (albeit different spelling), that we must look good with same hair coloring. I will admit that mistake number one was letting an inexperienced friend of mine do the job. But how could I have possibly predicted that a demi permanent (lasts for 6 weeks!) dark brown hue would turn my hair toneless black for 6 months? I remember waking up the next morning and feeling like a goth chick. Now I have no qualms against goth style, but I am a GAP girl. Doesn't exactly mesh. Eventually highlights started coming in, and once the summer came and I got tan, the dark hair made me look TAN tan. But that wonderful experience has kept me away from the coloring section of the salon ever since.

A different story happened about a year ago almost exactly. It was time for my haircut and I was, again, feeling adventurous, probably after watching a marathon of Stacy and Clinton transforms average women into glamorous beauties. I naively told my hairdresser, who I had never used before, to do what she thought would look best. In an alternative, edgy style salon (did I mention I am a GAP girl?). I ended up with full bangs that reached halfway down my forehead, and hair that didn't even touch my shoulders. I cried the rest of the weekend, and spent the whole summer with my bangs clipped back.

Today I went to the salon for ye ol Haircut Day. I told her that I wanted to keep everything the same, but remove the ends, and to thin it out but not too much. And I left with a smile on my face.

I think that TV and facebook suck out all of my productivity. I keep thinking of things to write about during the day but once I screw around on facebook and put on a distracting TV show, POOF! All of my wonderful ideas are gone. Soooo...what should I write about?

OH MY GOD! Dairy Queen is advertising a Golden Oreo Strawberry Blizzard! I have to get my hands on one of those. We just bought a pint of Blue Bell Vanilla Cookies and Cream ice cream the other day, and it is spectacular. By the way, it is not Vanilla Ice Cream w/ Cookies in it -- that would be normal Cookies & Cream. No - this is the Golden Cookie Oreos in Vanilla Ice Cream. Now I am not a fan of the golden Oreos on their own -- my thing is making the super fat kid combo (taking 2 double stuffed cookies, removing a top off of each, and smushing the two cream sides together, creating quadruple stuffed goodness) -- but adding vanilla ice cream to the mix is pure genius. Thank you Oreo - who would have thought that innovation of THE best non-homemade cookie could have paid off?

I wonder if Matt finished off that pint last night...